Transient
by asphora
Summary: Behind blue cheerful and spirited eyes, there's a sadness as deep as the ocean. Chitoge thinks of all the times someone she cherished left. She thinks of all the things that have slipped through her fingers and finds that she's good at that—getting left behind.


_Disclaimer: I own nothing._

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Chitoge learns early on about the impermanence of things. She learns about Rome and their great man-made structures and how, despite its greatness, there are nothing left now but ruins.

She also learns about goodbyes.

She's two years old and sitting in her room. She's just finished bawling her eyes out and two hours ago her mother had just left. Her face is tearstained as she stares out the window at the sky; as if she can trace the millions of miles between them. For the first time, she learns what it means to be someone's ruins and that there is nothing good in 'goodbye's.

When she turns four, her father gives her the goldfish she's been begging for to no end. Eventually it dies. She flushes it down the toilet and her father humors her by having all their men in the comfort room to mourn his daughter's loss. Chitoge cries and cries and her father comforts her by saying that some toilets lead to the ocean. At the time, it pacifies her.

As a young girl, she'll imagine the ocean to be a deep, vast and beautiful thing; full of mysteries and magic. A calm place to rest.

xxx

At six years old, she'll meet a boy whom she's sure is her prince. He has eyes, the color of asphalt and his hands are warm and somehow, her hands which are smaller than his, fit there perfectly. He holds her hand and runs to her when she cries, and there's something about him that is so sturdy and stable about him that she thinks maybe she can rely on him.

A few weeks later though, he leaves her with a golden key and a promise of reuniting. Somehow though, it's bittersweet. She feels like someone off the coast of some foreign land, waiting for a lover who won't be returning.

She wonders if this is how Calypso felt on her island.

Eight years later, her dad leaves for Japan. He says they'll see each other soon, but Chitoge doesn't realize that soon could take longer than she'd thought.

Days and weeks and months pass and despite her constant questions to Claude about when she'll be seeing her father again, all the male can reply is "soon". A year passes, along with the constant accumulation of questions answered in the form of indefinite "soon"s.

After a while, Chitoge stops asking.

Two years later, she's sent to Japan too and upon her arrival, she is met with the stark realization that everything here is different. The people gawk at her long blonde rope of hair and the big blue oceans in her irises and somehow it's painfully blatant just how much she doesn't belong.

This place, unlike the one she knows, has skies that change colors—warm hues of orange, pink, and blue, yet she feels nothing but cold. She wonders if she'll ever be able to feel warm again.

This strange place though is where she meets another boy. Raku Ichijou is his name.

Chitoge knows she shouldn't have bothered to learn it. Learning a new name, a new person, would only mean something else to bury along with the other names of people and places and things Chitoge could not hold onto.

The circumstances though, required otherwise.

xxx

His eyes are distant shades of ash that remind her of a time that feels like something from a past life. His voice is coarse and rough, but stern and sure. And he is so nostalgic, yet so real at the same time that she has trouble completely detaching herself form him.

They pretend to date for three years. Raku puts up more of a fight than she does. He absolutely detests the idea. For Chitoge though, pretending is but a small feat. She's gone her whole life pretending. What more did she have to lose, continuing it for three more years?

But somewhere along the way, Chitoge finds that it's not only his voice that is strong and stern and steady. He is too. When she cries, he runs to her. He saves her when she needs him and somehow, she learned to rely on him more than she'd ever be able to admit.

Somehow, he'd managed to make her forget about the impermanence of people.

It's the betrayal that reminds her: they're hushed voices in an empty classroom, confessing their love for each other. Chitoge wouldn't have minded, had she not been completely familiar with one of the voices. After all, two years along-side someone forces you to memorize certain things about them.

For the first time in a long time, Chitoge cries. For so long, Chitoge had worn her elasticity so well. She thought that by being flexible and unattached, she would be able to handle the impermanence of people. Apparently, Chitoge was not as invincible as she thought herself to be.

This is when Chitoge learns that you don't really need water, to feel like you're drowning.

xxx

Everyone always tells her she's beautiful. Even Raku Ichijou. There's no doubt about it, he says. After all, if hers was a face that commanded the adoration of a thousand men—even if they were her father's goons— then certainly she must be beautiful. She is a goddess, they say.

They say that she's beautiful, but so is the ocean, Chitoge decides. And as beautiful as it is, Chitoge is old enough to know that the ocean is more full of sunken things than it is beautiful.

She wonders if Helen was ever this lonely.

A year later, their game of pretend ends. Chitoge lets go so gracefully that it's almost eerie to watch. She's used to this part—the goodbye. Nineteen years of saying it had made her partially immune to the loss.

Their parting doesn't take much. It isn't fancy or heartfelt for Raku, as much as it is devastating to Chitoge. He says goodbye with a gentle handshake, a thankful smile and a kiss. He tastes like ancient ruins and something like an adventurer—she decides with much melancholy—like someone who loves you, but not enough to stay.

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 **A/N:** _This is quite different. I wanted to write in a new style and mostly about Chitoge because I do believe that she's a character with so much more depth to her. Please tell me what you thought about it, good or bad, reviews are well appreciated._


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